Loneliness


The Problem

It is a cliche that we can feel lonely - even particularly lonely - in a crowd. Unfortunately it is one that is only too true and all too common at university. Here, surrounded by people of a similar age and, supposedly, with lots in common we can nevertheless feel wretchedly isolated and awkward. This is made worse by the sight of others who seem perfectly at ease, are rapidly making friends and are becoming embedded in groups from which you feel excluded or only tolerated on the margins.

Feelings of Loneliness Occur to Us All - Sometimes we are thrown into that sense of uniqueness and the awareness that no-one can ever fully know and understand us. In fact, occasionally we may feel that we do not even understand ourselves! This is because we are constantly changing in response to the situations and relationships that we develop. We have to accept that feeling lonely is an occasional price we pay for being human. However, an ongoing sense of deep loneliness can bring on feelings of despair and depression that indicate a need to get help.

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Common Feelings

Loneliness can make you feel:
  • like an 'outsider'
  • invisible and unknown
  • disliked and unacceptable
  • self-conscious and ill-at-ease
  • self-blame: that it's your fault because of the imagined failings you see in yourself
  • hurt, powerless and despairing
  • angry and critical of others, sometimes vengeful too.

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Negative Effects

Loneliness can:
  • lead to feelings of worthlessness
  • cause you to withraw from social contact and the outside world
  • result in disappointed expectations and spoil your enjoyment of university
  • adversely affect your physical and emotional health
  • result in the excessive use of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs
  • lead to depression and suicidal thoughts.
The Catch 22 of Loneliness
Loneliness is often seen as taboo and this creates a vicious circle:
I feel lonely... I cannot tell anyone... I feel more lonely...

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Ways of Coping

Loneliness is a normal part of human experience. It can even have positive effects, if it doesn't last for too long - for example, it can lead to the discovery and development of personal resources and, therefore, to a greater sense of your own independence; it can encourage sociability; and it can act as an inoculation against future periods of potential loneliness.

If it becomes long-lasting, however, it can cause great distress and hurt. Here are some suggestions for ways you may find helpful in breaking the pattern of your loneliness:

1. Self-Acceptance - you may blame yourself for your loneliness wishing you were different ('If only I were ...'); it can be helpful to break the vicious circle of such negative thoughts by realising it may be your situation you need to change, rather than your personality or appearance. You are all right, the situation isn't - and you can do something about that.

2. Making Friends - it may be easier to find and develop friendships, if you can:
  • accept your own preferences: you may prefer one-to-one friendships to group contact; you may prefer quieter meeting places to pubs or clubs.
  • be realistic in your assessment of the relationships of others: are the apparent friendships you see around you actually as warm and certain as you imagine?
  • be patient with yourself: remember that friendships take time to develop.
  • choose activities you are genuinely interested in: whatever these are (clubs, sports, voluntary work, arts, music, etc.), you will meet people there with whom you have something in common.
  • risk taking the initiative: your reticence can be misunderstood by others as aloofness or unfriendliness - for example, if you are feeling lonely in a lecture, avoiding eye-contact and pretending you're fine by absorbing yourself in a book or paper, you may be putting others off from contacting you. When we're feeling lonely, we can sink into ourselves and stop seeing the reality of the world around us. So, next time you're in a lecture, feeling that everyone around you has friends and that you are the only one alone, if you stop and look around you, you may well find others sitting on their own, who would welcome a smile from you and, perhaps, an offer of coffee in the break.
  • risk, also, self-disclosure: if you can be in touch with your own feelings and experience and talk about these to the other person, you may make it easier for them to do the same in return; this process can lead to mutual understanding and trust.
  • build upon your relationship by being a good friend: listening carefully, being responsive, showing understanding and even challenging sometimes, if it feels appropriate. (n.b. Deepening a few relationships can be more rewarding than pursuing many casual ones.)

3. Alone, Not Lonely - take time to do the things you enjoy, even if on your own: for example: going for a walk, or a movie or may be reading some interesting book.

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Sources of Help

It can be extremely difficult to admit feeling lonely, because of the sense of personal failure that so often goes with it - after all, haven't you been told you're going to have the time of your life at university or something similar? And yet, an acknowledgement of the problem really helps.

A research done showed that students, who had been feeling lonely, said that the greatest help was talking about their feelings to someone who listened, cared, understood and accepted them. So if you look around yourself, you can always find your batchmates, seniors, counseling service members, your parents, faculty, who are always ready to help you. Don't have any hesitation in talking to them and taking their help.

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References

- http://www.counselling.cam.ac.uk/loneli.html

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